The Garrus Vakarian list
by LockDown
Summary: People stuck on ships have to come up with ways to entertain themselves. Here is one such means of entertainment from the Normandy crew about our favorite Turian. G/T and J/EDI if you squint.
1. Chapter 1

WARNING: TOTAL CRACK TO FOLLOW. TURN AWAY IF YOU DO NOT LIKE GARRUS VAKARIAN JOKES.

The new Normandy might be a bigger ship with a slightly bigger crew but it still worked the same way all ships did. The crew had to come up with ways to occupy themselves. The rumor mill was always entertaining as the original rumor always got warped as it passed from person to person, deck to deck. Sometimes jokes and stories picked up from shore leaves would provide some entertainment but eventually everyone had heard everyone else's stories. So the crew did what they had to do to amuse themselves.

Thus the Garrus Vakarian list was born. A list partly based on true events and them obscured by the rumor mill in the form of a single PADD that was slowly circulating through the crew. The rules were simple. Either cast your vote on something on the list or add something to the list before passing it on to the next person. The one with the most votes would be presented to Garrus himself.

**Grunt**

*On Tuchanka, Garrus got twenty-four mating requests. There were also seven for his sniper rifle.

The krogan laughed his ass off when he saw this on the list and put his vote for it immediately. He liked Garrus. He was alright as far as turians went and he had stood side by side with him when that Thresher Maw came at them.

However it was the walk back to the shuttle that was the most memorable thing about that trip. EDI had chosen to inform Shepard that Grunt had gotten seven mating requests and Garrus had gotten one. Watching Shepard's face fault was nothing compared to the speechless expression on the turian's face.

**Tali**

*Garrus knows what Tali's face looks like.

Tali couldn't help but giggle a little when she saw this on the list. A lot of the crew wondered what she looked like after all. Of course, at the same time she was blushing like crazy because, well, it was true. Garrus did know what her face looked like. In fact he knew what all of her looked like… She had the bite marks to prove it.

**Yeoman Kelly**

*Garrus Vakarian once walked down a street shirtless. There were no survivors.

*Garrus chose to get hit by that gunship. He was tired of looking so damn good.

These ones got a lot of votes from a lot of the female crew. Yes they were with Cerberus but there was no denying that Garrus wasn't bad looking. Even for an alien. Even with the scarring. Maybe it was because of the scaring.

**Shepard**

*Cerberus didn't resurrect Shepard so he could save them from the Reapers. Cerberus resurrected Shepard so he could save them from Garrus Vakarian.

When Shepard's sides stopped hurting and she could breathe again she cast her vote for this one. For some unknown reason Garrus only listened to two people on the entire ship; herself and Tali. Since Shepard was the more visible of the two, she got credit for keeping Garrus in line just enough to keep him from having heated debates with members of the crew. The argument between Jacob and Garrus over the fairness of the First Contact War showed the crew just how scary an angry turian was. Good thing he was on their side.

**Morinth**

*Morinth once had a mind-meld with Garrus Vakarian. She complained he never called her back.

She laughed. How could she not? To suggest that this particular turian was so, what was the human expression? Badass? Yes. To say that Garrus was so badass he could not only embrace eternity with her and walk away was humorous. And to say that he never called back? Maybe she should listen to the crew gossip more often. It might prove to be entertaining if this list was any indication.

**Zaeed**

*Garrus once punched a Merc so hard that his great grandkids said ouch.

This brought a half smirk to the old merc's face. It was a simple joke but just because it was simple didn't mean it wasn't good.

**Miranda**

*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need a Lazarus Project; death is too afraid of him to try anything.

Miranda doubted they would go through the trouble of bringing him back but it was amusing to think of Death as being too afraid of him. She had been there to watch him shrug off being shot by a gunship. By rights he should be dead. Maybe that had been Death's attempt and now that Death had failed it was too scared to try again.

**Joker**

*The First Contact War started because baby Garrus Vakarian misplaced his rattle, and the entire turian fleet went on a rampage to find it. Facing him without it was the alternative.

Joker decided that this was just spot on. Sure it made fun of a terrible time in human/turian relations but making up jokes like this really did help things not look quite so bad. That, and Joker had seen Garrus before and after the Sovereign incident. He completely agreed that facing a pissed off Garrus was not an alternative he wanted to face if there was any possible way to avoid it.

**Jack**

*Garrus Vakarian just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Omega's infrastructure.

Jack laughed her ass off at this. This was so Garrus. From her interactions with him it was all or nothing. And the thought of the drug dealers just wiping their hands together and going "We've got nothing left," kept bringing on fits of laughter.

**Mordin**

*The krogan genophage doesn't actually do anything, it's just that the krogan have given up surviving knowing that Garrus Vakarian is out there waiting for them.

Just because he had a hand in it didn't stop him from enjoying this moment of human joke making. Mordin checked the box saying this was his vote.

**Jacob**

*Garrus Vakarian doesn't need biotics; he just has to glance at things and they run away screaming.

Jacob chuckled at this joke. Thank goodness Garrus wasn't one of those rare turian biotics. He was intimidating enough without those extra abilities.

**Dr. Chakwas**

*When Garrus had surgery to cure a gunship wound to the face, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

This brought a smile to the aging doctor's lips. The younger people always built up idols until they were almost godlike but this was just ridiculous. Saying that the doctors were the ones that needed the anesthesia because the patient was 10 different ways of awesome was nothing but humorous.

**Legion**

*If you have five credits and Garrus has five credits, Garrus has more money than you.

Error. 55 does not compute. 5=5. 5 in the possession of Garrus does not alter its value. WARNING; core processors overheating. Emergency shutdown in progress.

**Thane**

*God offered Garrus Vakarian the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined in favor of ridiculous headshot accuracy.

Thane smiled at this. Garrus as one hell of a sniper that was for certain. The crew had been trying to get the two sharp shooters to compete to see who was better. Thane got his ability from long hard years of training. Garrus must have gotten his from some deity because all he ever saw Garrus doing was calibrating something.

**EDI**

*Garrus Vakarian counted to infinity - twice.

EDI pondered the implications of this statement. She knew it was a joke. Joker had told her so. However she knew that no one could count to infinity let alone do it twice. Was the fact that it was impossible that made it funny? Maybe she could ask Joker to explain it to her later.

**Garrus**

*Garrus knows he's in a game; he just pretends not to know.

Garrus wasn't sure if her was meant to see the list or not but he did enjoy it. It at least proved that his crew mates felt comfortable enough with him to joke about him. The one he picked was his favorite. After he cast his vote, he looked up at the ceiling and winked.

A/N: Total crackage. I just had to do it though. Chuck Norris jokes are good. Garrus Vakarian jokes are better. Too bad you'll never see the two of them in the same place. If that happened, the universe would implode due to an over concentration of sheer awesomeness.


	2. Chapter 2

WARNING MORE CRACK TO FOLLOW: TURN AWAY NOW IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO THE BADASSNESS OF GARRUS VAKARIAN.

Ps. BOTH Ashely and Kaidan will show up in this because Garrus rescued them both on Virmire. He is, after all, that badass.

What started as a simple bit of amusement on one ship somehow managed to wind up on the extranet and from that day on the galaxy lived in awe of the one known as Garrus Vakarian.

**Councilman Anderson**

*Executor Pallin died from Garrus Vakarian giving him the finger.

The Councilman blinked. Surely this was just extranet garbage made to make people laugh. However the Executor did die suddenly and Garrus had been on the Citadel with Shepard at the time. No, there was no way that could have Garrus killed Pallin by flipping him off. Could he?

**Kaidan Alenko**

*Garrus once tried to use an L2 implant, but the implant couldn't handle Garrus Vakarian and it had to be taken out.

The biotic laughed out loud when he saw this silly extranet list. It was even more funny because he knew the turian that had somehow managed to get this cult following. To think that the damnedable L2 implants that Alenko had couldn't handle of sheer strain in being in someone so harcore… Actually, knowing Garrus that was probably true.

**Ashley Williams**

*Garrus Vakarian was actually on the ground when the Virmire nuke went off. He later complained things felt too drafty.

The Gunnery Chief laughed her ass off at this and passed it around the table. Now that it was in the past it was hilarious to joke about that ugly day. Garrus of course had split the difference and somehow managed to save both Alenko and herself. But the imagery of Garrus standing there, totally not effected at all, as a 20-kiloton blast leveled the surrounding area as priceless. And to add to it, Ashley would see Garrus mutter over the comm. that all the wind was making him cold.

**The Citadel Council**

*Garrus Vakarian didn't join the Spectres because you can't break all the rules if your job doesn't have any.

Having tracked this promising Spectre candidate, it was perhaps best not to have given him Spectre status. It wouldn't have been fair to the other Spectres to have to work so hard and only do 1/10th of the job Garrus Vakarian does.

**Ambassador Udina**

*If you can see Garrus Vakarian, he can see you. If you can't see Garrus Vakarian you may be only seconds away from death.

The Ambassador wouldn't help to note that while he had his front to the door, behind him was a very open, very wide balcony that offered a very nice view of the Presidium. But the view didn't make up for the fact that he didn't see Garrus…

**Saren**

*When Saren learned Commander Shepherd was after him, he scoffed. When he learned Garrus Vakarian was with her, he sat in the corner of his shower and cried for 3 hours.

*Saren only killed himself so he'd be spared the wrath of Garrus Vakarian.

At this Saren could only nodded because, both events were true. Shepard he could have handled but to know that Garrus was helping out Shepard made the seasoned Spectre want to go find his mother. And upon learning that Garrus would be with Shepard during the final battle Saren hastily decided to end it all rather than be embarrassed to death by his feeble attempts to kill Garrus until Garrus had mercy on him and put him out of his misery.

**Sovereign**

*The reapers aren't stuck in dark space. They are waiting for Garrus to die before trying to invade his galaxy.

*Sovereign's first choice for an organic envoy wasn't Saren, it was Garrus Vakarian; he had to stay away from Garrus Vakarian for fear of being indoctrinated.

Having met this Garrus Vakarian as an enemy the Reaper could only look back at its choices and conclude it was correct. This single turian could indoctrinate the masses even more effectively than a Reaper. The Vakarian didn't even have to be in near proximity of other to get them to worship him. At this Sovereign concluded that it had given itself the best chance possible to complete its mission and would have succeeded if it hadn't been for Garrus Vakarian.

**Harbringer**

*Harbinger thought about making a turian Reaper instead of a human one, but then remembered there was already Garrus Vakarian.

The universe wouldn't have been able to handle that much awesomeness at once and would have collapsed on itself. Besides, the turian Reaper would have probably sniped all the collectors out of existence one it was completed.

**Urdnot Wrex**

*Why do krogan have 4 testicles? So they'd feel slightly less inferior to Garrus Vakarian.

The krogan warlord barked out a long loud laugh. His friend Garrus certainly had a way of making most other krogan feel less krogan than the turian was, and Garrus only had two.

**Liara T'soni**

*Garrus Vakarian once walked down a street shirtless. There were no survivors.

Liara didn't know what to make of this. Surely this wasn't the same Garrus Vakarian she knew. Still her curiosity got the better of her and she sent out some feelers about this alleged incident. They couldn't find anything. Mildly put out Liara actually spent some resources into finding out if this happened. Even with her formidable information network Liara could find no proof that this happened. But that made sense. If there had been survivors then people would know about it. There was no evidence that it happened because anyone that witnessed it was dead. So this had to be true. No wonder Garrus always changed clothes in the privacy of the Mako.

A/N: Because of the response I got, and because of the ideas running in my head, I added this second list for all of you to enjoy. Remember to review.


	3. Chapter 3

WARNING MORE CRACK TO FOLLOW:

Because I fell asleep with the pipe in my mouth, someone else put more stuff in and lit it for me. It would have been not to inhale it.

It has been pointed out to me that I missed out having Samaraand Dr. Michelle comment on the list. I originally picked Morinth over here but since in the sequel Garrus as badass enough to save both Alenko and Williams, he's badass enough to solve family disputes too.

And for the record I know the game spells Michel like this but that is the male spelling of it so I'm sticking with the female version. Also, since I've run out of people we get to go through the list again as I deem fit. If you can think of someone I missed, please give me a holler.

The thing with extranet cults is that once they start, they tend to feed themselves into an even larger frenzy. So something that started out as a joke, ends up with something like this.

**Samara**

*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Garrus Vakarian could use to kill you, including the room itself.

The Judicar was impressed. She hadn't known that Garrus was quite so skilled.

**Grunt**

*Garrus Vakarian once kicked a baby krogan into puberty. 

Grunt laughed at this. What poor little whelp had been unfortunate enough to let a turian kick them straight into puberty… Oh, wait, that had been him.

**The Citadel Council**

*After much debate, the Council decided to unleash the genophage on the Krogan rather than the alternative of sending Garrus Vakarian. It was deemed more "humane."

Yes the Krogan Rebellions were long before Garrus was even born but the Council had learned more about this particular turian it was still decided that the genophage was the least painful way to end that fighting. After all:

*Garrus is so strong he can bend time and space.

And could have gone back in time to put down the Krogan Rebellion if they asked him to.

**Harkin "Fade"**

*Garrus Vakarian keeps his friends close and his enemies in scope.

This was just a silly extranet list. It couldn't be true, right? There was no way that _he_ was looking at him through a scope right now.

**Sidonius**

*The last thing you hear before a Garrus Vakarian headshot? No one knows, because dead men tell no tales.

…. ???? (Insert your favorite sound here. Or don't, it might be the last thing you hear.)

**Residents of Omega**

*They named the bridge he held on Omega after Garrus once he left. They had to rename it later unfortunately, because no one crosses Garrus Vakarian and lives.

It was the strangest thing. There was no one in the building across from the bridge and the victims didn't have any bullet holes in them. They just fell over once they had crossed the bridge.

**Aria**

*Garrus Vakarian can impregnate women through headbumps alone. 

Aria laughed. Garrus had been good for her business. To thank him for his help with thinning out the mercs Aria threw him a small party. There had been some drinking, dancing, maybe some headbumping… Holy crap…

**Dr. Michelle**

*70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Garrus Vakarian's weight is his malehood.

She couldn't help but blush. Sure it there was the whole doctor-patient confidentiality thing but still. Maybe it could be justified in that males like to boast about these sort of things, even if they were just mere facts.

**Jane Shepard**

*Garrus Vakarian always has sex on the first date. Always.

*Garrus Vakarian sleeps with Commander Shepard.

Oh god, now the crew was going to completely unruly every time Garrus and her were in the same room. There was no way she could look him in the eye now.

**Tali**

*Once you go Garrus, you are physically unable to go back.

The quarian mechanic was sure everyone could see her blushing through her face mask. Who would put this on the list? Not that she didn't agree with it. Sure she didn't have any other experience to compare it against but her times with Garrus were generally (the author of this piece cannot print the remainder of Tali's train of thought without violating the current rating of this story). Maybe she'd show him this later on tonight and get him to reminder again why it made the list.

**Garrus**

*Garrus Vakarian is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Another list? Already? The crew must really like these. And he did like this one. Yes he could go and find Waldo, but that seemed a little extreme to get back the milk money Garrus had loaned Waldo when they were kids.

**Random Male Fan**

*Saying "Garrus Vakarian" three times makes your head explode from pure awesome.

"Garrus Vakarian, Garrus Vakarian, Garrus Vak"

**Random Female Fans**

*Garrus Vakarian can make you orgasm... WITH HIS MIND.

(At this point the author is handing out ear plugs to protect the hearing of the young and innocent.)

And now before you all go have your "after cigarette" please take a moment to review. Suggest people I can do or even try your hand at a Garrus joke. I just might use it.


	4. Chapter 4

WARNING MORE CRACK TO FOLLOW.

We're going with this is the Legion Special because it gets FOUR jokes.

**Citadel-Security**

*C-Sec labels anyone attacking Garrus Vakarian as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Even before he had left Garrus was something of a rebel in C-Sec. After he left with Shepard that first time people didn't think too much of it. When he came back and left the second time, his reputation had grown a little. When he was back on the Citadel hunting "Fade" people still didn't pay too much heed. Then the list came around from the extranet. People laughed. And paused. Thought about it. "Fade" was found dead a few days later. Everyone knew it had been Garrus. Some say that "GARRUS" had been shot out across "Fade's" forehead. And so C-Sec came to the conclusion that "Fade" had killed himself and tried to frame the former Detective.

**Emily Wong**

*Garrus Vakarian made the Illusive Man cry. (Credit goes to Herr Wozzeck for the joke)

Emily Wong owed her major break of her career to Garrus and Shepard so she wasn't that surprised when his name started to pop up around the Citadel again. What did catch her attention was the way it was being used. Like Garrus had somehow become a god capable of doing impossible things. Like making a man with fake eyes cry. It was such an unlikely thing that Emily followed the lead a little and found that that wasn't the whole of it. Turns out that back when the Illusive man had real eyes, Garrus made him cry so hard they had to be replaced.

**Liara T'Soni**

*Prothean experts working outside Council jurisdiction have recently conceded that, were the Reapers to exterminate life in the Galaxy, all that would remain are Vorcha and Garrus Vakarian.

Just because she didn't work in that field now didn't mean that Liara had given up keeping tabs with the academic world. And after the last thing about Garrus proved to be true, and that had been rumor only, then why couldn't this be true too? It was from academia after all. The Vorcha bred like nothing else and could endure some fairly harsh conditions so they made excellent slaves. And Garrus… Well from what Liara had been hearing the Reapers would probably leave Garrus alone. Really, all Garrus would have to do is take his shirt off…

**Varren pet on Tuchanga**

*Once a varren threatened to eat Garrus Vakarain. Garrus showed the varren his fist and the varren proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Now most people now that varren are fierce creatures that don't turn down any challenge. They're good pets at times and really smart animals too, which most people don't give them credit for. When a varren heard its krogan master read that bit of extranet use the varren thought about all night. It had met this Garrus Vakarian before when he had come to visit the planet before. The varren had seen the Garrus punch one of the master's species into the ground and didn't look worse for wear.

Having thought it over the varren decided that the varren in the story had made the right choice.

**LEGION**

(Because you guys loved it so much and because Garrus, in his awesomeness, can help Legion grow. And Garrus can solve intergalactic wars.)

*Garrus Vakarian once won "Connect 4" in 3 moves.

Legion was up and running again. After that attempt at participating in a crew activity, the platform reached the conclusion that humor was outside of its programming capabilities. However, after some interaction with the collective, it was decided that the Legion platform should make another attempt at understanding this humor.

When Legion heard of this joke, it tried to figure out how this was possible. It even went so far as to obtain a physical play set of "Connect 4" much to the amusement of the crew. Days later Shepard found Legion sprawled on the floor of the AI core room with what looked like the remnants of a "Connect 4" game.

"Shepard commander?" Legion lifted its head a little to look at the commander a little better

"Yes Legion?" Shepard said trying not to laugh.

"How it is it possible that Vakarian Garrus can do this and not us?"

Shepard broke down in tears laughing.

*Once, Garrus got into a gunfight with himself, and won.

Legion was ready for this one. He knew from a previous conversation that "*Garrus is so strong he can bend time and space." Therefore if Garrus could somehow effect space-time then he could find and battle himself. Therefore GarrusGarrus. Or was it GarrusGarrus? But if they are both Garrus, then Garrus=Garrus. If Garrus=Garrus, the GarrusGarrus or GarrusGarrus couldn't be true. Except it was. And if it was, then was it GarrusGarrus or GarrusGarrus?

Two days later when Shepard came to ask Legion to come on a mission, she found the Geth staring very intently at two data PADDs. In one had GarrusGarrus and the other GarrusGarrus. Legion looked at Shepard.

"We have reached a consensus. Vakarian Garrus always win."

*There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of species that Garrus Vakarian allows to live.

Legion was getting better at this. It was learning to adapt based off of its previous attempts to understand this Vakarian Garrus and why the crew seemed to enjoy lauding his accomplishments. However, this one Legion could explain. This one it had witnessed and tell the rest of the collective about. It had seen it happen. Regardless of species, those that ended up in the crosshairs of Vakarian Garrus all ceased to exist in a rather violent manner. Like all previous statements about Vakarian Garrus it was true. Legion was rather pleased with itself for being able to understand this bit of humor. Was this was contentment felt like?

*Once, just for fun, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a Garrus Vakarian headshot. The resulting explosion actually went back in time and wiped out all galactic civilization which allowed the Protheans to rise up as the lone galactic power.

Legion had been with the Normandy crew a while so it felt it was well armed to tackle this latest kernel from the rumor mill. However this one made the platform uneasy. It asked for a conference with the collective. Data was sent back and forth. Arguments, counter arguments. Facts such as the documented abilities of both Norris Chuck and Vakarian Garrus. Other factors came into play such as the Vakarian's relationship with one of the Creators known as Tali.

In the end Legion went to Tali with a very serious offer. If Garrus would agree to A)not wipe out the Geth and B) never partake in any activities with Chuck Norris, the Geth would let the Creators live on the homeworld in peace.

And thus Garrus brought about peace between the Quarians and the Geth.

*Garrus Vakarian was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Legion looked at the faces of those around it. The crew had found out about its mission to try to better understand the crew and report back to the collective. Now the crew made it into a weekly event. They made Legion sit in the mess hall while they told him that week's joke. Then they would take bets on how long it would take it to come to a conclusion. Any kind of conclusion. Some bets varied in length of hours to days. The winner often got promises of favors or credits and was praised by the crew for that week.

When Legion was presented with this one it thought about it a moment and declared "We have reached a consensus."

"Already?"

"What's the time?"

"9.4 seconds."

"No way!"

"Who had the closest time?"

"Garrus did actually."

"Our consensus is doubly confirmed then." Legion said drawing everyone's attention back to it.

"Vakarian Garrus always wins."


	5. Chapter 5

**WARNING MORE CRACK TO FOLLOW.**

Everyone knows that something just simply can't wait until you are ready for it. That's life and that's how it works for everyone. Everyone who isn't Garrus Vakarian that is.

**Rabid Fan Girls**

(Submitted by AnimeRANDOMNESS)

*On two-hundred thirty-five planets, harming the face of Garrus Vakarian is a crime worthy of immediate death. And that's why the gunship exploded.

*Garrus chose to get hit by that gunship. He was tired of looking so damn good.

While it is true that on a multitude of laws were passed on many planets throughout Citadel Space, those laws were passed after the phenomena known as the Garrus Vakarian List and Effect came to be. What actually happened on Omega can only be seen if the tape is slowed down to frame by frame. If you look carefully, when Garrus allowed himself to get that small flesh wound, a million fan girls instantly mobbed the gunship destroying it and all mercenaries that Garrus hadn't gotten around to killing yet.

**Proof of his calibrating awesomeness (or proof that Garrus is a god)**

**Legion**

*Garrus Vakarian built a better mousetrap. Most people simply can't calibrate it correctly.

*Garrus Vakarian calibrated the Omega-4 Relay.

*Garrus Vakarian can calibrate a gun so well, it needs a cigarette afterward.

*Garrus Vakarian can perform calibrations, while in the middle of some calibrations.

*Death came to see Garrus after the rocket incident and said his time had come. Garrus looked at Death and said, "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

The geth was used to these unusual human jokes by now and could handle with relative ease. Some were simply just fact while others could be explained by the sheer fact that Vakarian Garrus had to be some sort of demigod. There was simply no other conclusion.

For example, Vakarian Garrus was capable of performing calibrations while in the middle of some calibrations. It had already been established that Vakarian Garrus could bend time and space so therefore it is possible for Vakarian Garrus to do two things at once in the same moment. However no known being had the ability to do that, neither naturally or by technological means.

In the case of Death manifesting itself in a physical form to speak to the Vakarian Garrus, Garrus simply told Death to wait. No being can choose their time of death barring suicide nor does Death inform that being that their end has come. Once again, the only explanation is that Vakarian Garrus is no normal turian.

After weighing the data and discussing it with the rest of the collective, Legion started up the church of Garrusology. Members include every known species in Citadel Space and beyond.

The ability to calibrate a weapon to the point that it needed a cigarette did confuse Legion a little. It went and asked Shepard Commander why this might be the case and Shepard Commander explained that some species used a cigarette after mating as a means of further relaxation.

"Understand Legion?"

"We understand. Shepard Commander, another query."

"Yes Legion?"

"Does Shepard Commander need a cigarette after sleeping with Vakarian Garrus?"

Shepard's face faulted. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. Did Legion really just ask her what she thought it had asked? Finally Shepard managed to squeak out a weak, "What?" of utter disbelief

"It has learned from the Vakarian Garrus List that Shepard Commander sleeps with the Vakarian Garrus. Sleeps is a term often used as a euphemism for engaging in sexual or mating activities. Shepard Commander has just explained to us that a cigarette can be smoked after such activities to bring about relaxation. The list states that Vakarian Garrus can bring that short of feeling to a weapon once it has been calibrated. Does he not do the same with you?"

Shepard's brain was blank. This was the most words Legion had ever strung together at once. That along might have been enough to render the seasoned military commander into silence. However that shock paled in comparison to the embarrassment that Shepard was feeling. She was sure that her face had matched her fiery hair in color by now. Yes she understood that Legion didn't understand the concept of private issues and that Legion had taken everything on the list as true even when they weren't but that wasn't important here.

What was important was that Legion though that Garrus could pleasure rifles and that Legion was asking a very personal question about events that never happened. So Shepard did the only thing she could. She added a new line to the list.

**Shepard**

(Kulkum gets credit for this one)

*Garrus Vakarian is not actually sleeping with Commander Shepard. She started that rumor, so the Reapers would let her win for fear of angering Garrus.

Shepard knew when the rumor that she was sleeping with Garrus would come back to bite her in the ass. For the first month, anytime Garrus and her were in a room together, everyone else would have the hardest time not laughing. Yes she had been flattered at the time to get on the list. After all, if you really deconstructed the joke it was really flattering. Garrus was being made up to be the perfect male and if she was good enough to sleep with him then that said something about how her crew thought of her since the jokes came from the crew.

Shepard would never act on it of course. That sort of mingling with the crew wouldn't be good for her command and besides, Garrus was just a good friend. That and she was committed to her relationship with Liara, even if it was over the extranet with just a few short visits to Ilium now and again.

The amendment of the list came about for a simple reason. Shepard had been embarrassed out of her mind by Legion the previous day. So Shepard made up an addition to the list and prayed that it would spare her from having to answer any more awkward questions from the resident geth.

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews everyone. Doing these is getting me back in writing mode for GT Reboot but I have a few more odd jokes to throw in before I reboot GT Reboot. I really should stick to an oneshot collection instead of an overall story arch like it is currently on. I want to rip out chapter 3 but that violates my don't pull anything rule. Probably do a fresh start of short on chapter 4.

Review guys.


	6. Chapter 6

WARNING MORE CRACK TO FOLLOW!

Sometimes things grow and grow until they become self sustaining. And then they grow some more and create a whole new kind of stardom. One Garrus wasn't exactly comfortable with but he'd live with it. After all, his fame had brought about a peaceful solution for the geth and quarians. And it also made life very entertaining when they when to populated areas, like the Citadel.

**Grunt and Legion**

(This was brought to you by TheEpicfail3000.)

*Commander Shepard can kill a krogan with a stick and a rock. Garrus Vakarian can kill a stick and a rock with a krogan. 

The krogan didn't know if he should be upset or impressed. So he took his problem to Legion, who by this point was widely known to try to add some logic to any of these stupid jokes. And so now Legion and Grunt were sitting in the mess hall, hunched over a single data PADD and glaring at it.

"We have reached a consensus."

Grunt looked up at Legion. "Well?"

"Shepard commander can kill a krogan with a stick and rock."

"Gee thanks for that you bucket of bolts. I understand that part."

Legion just went right on as if Grunt hadn't interrupted. "Vakarian Garrus uses a krogan to kill a stick and rock by beating the krogan against a tree and boulder and breaking them into smaller units."

Grunt looked at Legion's completely straight face and burst out laughing.

**Garrus**

*Garrus Vakarian isn't hung like an elcor. Elcor are hung like Garrus Vakarian. (Credit goes to Malcho1234. I modified it a little to fit more in the verse.)

This was embarrassing. This almost caused an intergalactic incident. Who knew that something like this would actually manage to insult the elcor enough that they demanded a formal measuring. Which Garrus reluctantly went to just to keep the peace. And now here's the kicker, the elcor refused to make the results public. Now everyone thinks that the joke is true and Garrus can't decide if the elcor played a joke on him or not.

**Legion**

*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Garrus Vakarian.

*Death once had "a near Garrus Vakarian experience."

Legion had inquired just who or what the Boogeyman was. Upon finding out that the Boogeyman was the ultimate scary thing for humans, it concluded that if it slept and owned a closet, Legion would check it too.

Now having proven that Death manifests itself as a physical entity just for Vakarian Garrus, Legion could only wonder what a "near experience" would be with Garrus. Odds placed it as something involving Garrus and his sniper rifle.

**The Illusive Man**

*Garrus Vakarian made the Illusive Man cry. (Credit goes to Herr Wozzeck for the joke) (No, you are not having deva vu, I am using this again!)

He had not cried. Men don't cry. It wasn't as if he had pumped 4 billion credits rebuilding Shepard to make the ultimate soldier even better. Then, after resurrecting Shepard, a N7 graduate and a biotic, Shepard informed the Illusive Man that there was a far greater warrior in the universe already; Garrus Vakarian.

**Joker and EDI**

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Garrus' theme song. (Credit goes to Malcho1234)

Joker had always listened to the comm. chatter of the ground team and with EDI's help, they could hack into security cameras when the opportunity was there. Also in his spare time, Joker complied the videos of Garrus in action. Having searched the extranet for a suitable soundtrack, EDI found an old human song that fit. Pleased, Joker put the video on the extranet.

"EDI?"

"Yes Jeff?"

"Do you know what we've just done?"

"No Jeff, I do not."

"We've just made the most viewed viral video in galactic history."

**The Citadel Incident (or Shepard, Tali and Garrus)**

It had been chaos. Bodies everywhere, all sorts of manner of things had been thrown. There was screaming, C-Sec had sent reinforcements to deal with the masses. Shepard managed to use a biotic barrier to partially shield the group while Tali had physically dragged Garrus out of the grabbing clutches of the horde. Finally they made it to the safety of the Normandy's airlock where the trio lay on the floor recovering from their ordeal, some thrown objects scattered around them.

Garrus recovered first and picked up one of the things that lay around him. It was a very odd looking thing. It was soft, a dark blue in color and seemed to be made up of the human material lace or at least something similar. It had two shells that looked like it was made to be filled with something. It had two straps to go over shoulders and a clasp in the back.

Garrus held up the curious item and turned to Shepard. "Shepard, what is this?"

Shepard suppressed a giggle. "Surely you know Garrus." Shepard tease. The older turian was seeing Tali and Shepard would be a fool not to think that those two were doing the same thing that Liara and herself were doing whenever they went to Illium.

"If I knew, I wouldn't be asking." Garrus responded, still waiting for an answer.

Shepard gave a questioning look at Tali who replied, "It's built into the suit."

"Ah. Well, Garrus, that appears to be a bra of asari make." Shepard said taking the garment from Garrus. "Oh an expensive one too. Designer label, Liara has a few of these."

"Okay, now to my second question; why were all those females screaming and throwing their…bras at me?"

"I think it might have something to do with your popularity." Shepard said.

"You are popular too and yet people don't throw their bras at you."

"True but I'm not as popular as you now. Well, really popular rock bands get these sorts of things thrown at them. It generally means they find you sexy and would like to sleep with you. So congratulations, you're a rock star."

Garrus could only nod.

"I have a question Shepard." Tali spoke up.

"Yes Tali?"

"Don't you normally have to take off your top to take off your bra?"

"Actually, you don't have to. It's pretty easy to do it you know how." As Shepard spoke she demonstrated and produced her own bra from her shirt sleeve.

From the ship side of the airlock a spattering of applause. Garrus, Tali and Shepard all turned to see their audience; Miranda, Joker, and Legion.

"Nice trick Commander." Joker said with a massive grin he couldn't suppress.

"You know you can do that biotically as well." Miranda added as she walked away.

Legion looked between all the organics and just wonder how it was going to possibly explain this to the collective. And more importantly, it couldn't decide it Vakarian Garrus approved of bras or not.

A/N: Thank you all for the favs and the reviews. The next edition will be more testament on just how badass Garrus is. And now review or I will send Garrus after you. Or he might have you in his sights now.


	7. Chapter 7

WARNING MORE CRACK TO FOLLOW!

Garrus Vakarian would like to say that he does not endorse this list because it inflates his ego. He endorses this list because it is only stating facts.

**Legion**

*Garrus Vakarian can slam revolving doors.

Legion would like to inform the readers that it will not be making an appearance in this installment as it must figure out how it is possible to slam a revolving door.

**Grunt**

*Garrus Vakarian does not hunt because the word "hunting" implies the probability of failure. Garrus Vakarian goes killing.

Grunt couldn't help but agree with this statement. He had fought with Garrus on many occasions. In fact, they were the main ground team whenever Shepard decided to leave the ship. And when Garrus went on the warpath, Grunt could only feel pity for those stuck in Garrus' way.

**Mordin**

*Garrus Vakarian doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the info he wants.

Mordin, as a scientist, knew this couldn't be possible. Simply staring at a book did not magically allow one to know what was held within. Still, Garrus had an uncanny ability to know a lot of odd things.

**Shepard**

*Garrus Vakarian's favorite store on the Citadel, is himself. He dishes out pain at unbelievable prices.

*Garrus Vakarian cannot feel pain. He can only inflict it.

Shepard was amused by these two. Garrus, Tali and herself strolling the Presidium when Garrus was recognized and asked what his favorate store was. Tali just coolly slid in and answered for him and Garrus only nodded, because he was trying so hard not to laugh at the time.

Now the second one was somewhat disturbing when Shepard thought about it. Mostly because she almost believed it to be true herself and she knew that the list was a silly joke. Her evidence is when that gunship shot Garrus neither Tali, Mordin, nor herself ever shot back at it. It just exploded on its own. So if Garrus can't feel pain and only inflict it, then the pain that would have been inflicted upon him was transferred back to the gunship, which caused a mechanical object to blow up. Maybe Shepard ought to stop reading the new entrees on the list. She was starting to believe in them herself.

**Wrex**

*Garrus Vakarian has two speeds: walk and kill.

Having spent a year at the side of the universe's toughest warrior, Wrex was fairly sure that Garrus was not your regular turian. A regular turian wasn't worth being called friend for one thing. For another thing, most other turians didn't leave swathes of death after them as a krogan should rightfully be the only ones that could. Garrus though, was different. He could either be taking a calm walk somewhere or killing everything in front of him just like a switch had been flipped. Good thing Wrex and Shepard were always beside Garrus.

**Shepard**

*Garrus Vakarian doesn't step on toes. Garrus Vakarian steps on necks.

Shepard had a way of pissing off a lot of people. She did that constantly in her career in the Alliance, quite regularly when she answered to the Council, and quite often with the Illusive Man. But that was like stepping on toes; you just bothered someone a little. Garrus tended to step on the necks of people that he annoyed; after all 3 separate mercenary companies were low on personnel and material on Omega.

**Jack**

*Garrus Vakarian doesn't eat. Rather, he kicks ass until he's full.

This one was born from a simple observation. Garrus and Tali never ate with the rest of the crew. Not that Jack did either but Jack still had to go to the mess to get her food and Garrus was never there, despite being located only a door away from the chow hall. And given the great amount of free time that Jack had to think over things, she set her mind to work about what she knew about the turian. A: He kicked a lot of ass which is why he was always going on missions with Shepard. B: he got crabby if they hadn't gone out to kick ass in a few days. Therefore Jack came to a conclusion and added her idea to the list.

**The Crew**

*Garrus Vakarian does not sleep. He waits. (Brought to you by Riot Wolf)

Now everyone on board always had a good laugh at the jokes on the list. Some were more outrageous then others but all done in good sport. Then a new game started that led to this particular one making it onto the list and freaking the crew out to no end. Garrus had taken to sleeping in the main fire room at the start of the journey. When the relationship with Tali had progressed enough, he took to spending his nights against the wall next to her bump holding her paw in his talons. On a dare, (and now as a running bet in the ship's betting pool) one crew member was to sneak up on Garrus and place a small post it note on Garrus as proof that the great Garrus could be snuck up on. Regardless of the time of night nor the amount of effort and stealth various crew members put into the endevour, Garrus always told each person by name not to bug him while he did some calibrations in his head.

**EDI and Jeff**

*Garrus Vakarian doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

*Garrus Vakarian frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

"You came up with these EDI?"

"Yes I did Jeff. I thought you would enjoy them." The AI answered. She observed Jeff a make the face he makes when he's about to lie not to hurt someone's feelings.

"They're very interesting." The Normandy pilot also muttered under his breath that he was glad EDI was on their side if that was her idea of funny.

**Tali**

*Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Garrus Vakarian.

That being said, Garrus was successful and she stood behind him. So really, if you thought about it, Garrus' success was all because of her. There should be a Tali'Vakarian list Tali decided.


	8. Chapter 8

WARNING MORE CRACK TO FOLLOW!

For your viewing pleasure, some more facts about our favorate Turian, Garrus Vakarian.

**Tali**

*Garrus Vakarian actually was a love interest in Mass Effect 1. He just rocked your world so hard, you can't remember.

Wait what? You would think she would remember that…

**Tali**

*There is no 'Ctrl' button on Garrus Vakarian's computer. Garrus Vakarian is always in control.

*Garrus Vakarian can delete the recycling bin.

It was widely accepted and acknowledged that she was a technological prodigy, even by Quarian standards. Even so Tali still couldn't do a few things that Garrus managed to do. Like deleting the recycling bin. Maybe she just didn't have high enough clearance. That would be a possible explanation. Even more disconcerting though was the obvious lack of a 'Ctrl' key on Garrus' keyboard. Then again, he was always in control. Tali's theory is that Garrus once sniped a computer and its relatives told all the other computers, and now they let Garrus have complete control over them out of fear.

**Grunt**

*Babies cry because they know they just entered a world with Garrus Vakarian.

Wait a moment. Didn't someone already put this down as a slightly different joke? Something about the krogan and not wanting to enter a world with Garrus already in it? That wasn't very inventive at all. Grunt was going to find whoever did this sad excuse of a joke and make them come up with a better one. The list was the only thing he had to look forward to all weak and Grunt was not going to let someone put bad jokes on it.

**Legion**

*Garrus Vakarian's calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Garrus Vakarian.

Fact: Vakarian Garrus can bend time at will. Therefore part one of new statement is true. If part one is true, part two must be true. Logging in new fact; No one fools Vakarian Garrus.

**Random Female Turians**

*Why don't you see any female Turians in Mass Effect? They're all waiting for Garrus Vakarian to call them back.

"I can't leave the phone because if I do it will ring and I'll miss his call."

**Thane**

*Garrus Vakarian's tears cure Kepral's Syndrome. It's too bad Garrus Vakarian has never cried.

Okay whoever put this on the list is not funny at all. Thane was going to find out who did that and make them cry. Little did Thane know that Garrus had added that, and turians don't have tear ducts.

**Jacob**

*Garrus Vakarian's eyepiece doesn't really do anything; he just covers one of them out of fairness to everyone else.

That's what the current scuttlebutt said about Garrus and his eyepiece. Personally, Jacob though he was looking up porn. At least that's what he would do. Really, who would handicap themselves out of fairness to others? It's not like Garrus was a shooting god and he was trying to make everyone feel slightly less inferior. Right?

**On the Presidium **

*Garrus Vakarian once sniped a man so hard, his body went back in time and hit the ground five minutes earlier.

Two humans are walking along. Another man is walking in front of them. The first human looks at his watch which reads 1310. He then asks his friend if he would like a bite to eat. They discuss various possible restaurants to go to and finally decide on one. The pair then step over the body of the third man on their way to their restaurant of choice.

"Wasn't he walking in front of us?" Man two asks.

"Nah man, he's been there since 1305." The first man answers.

**On the Presidium **

*Garrus Vakarian headshots don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Two humans are taking a stroll on the presidium. They see another man get shot in the head. The body disappears and they continue on their stroll having no recollection of the traumatic event they just witnessed.

**Ambassador Udina**

*You can't search for Garrus Vakarian on the extranet because it knows you don't find Garrus Vakarian, he finds you.

And remember, just because you can't see him, doesn't mean he can't see you. Udina really needed to get a new office. One without a nice wide open balcony at his back. That would cut down on the stress and ulcers and make politics seem like a fun vacation by comparison.

**Legion**

*Garrus Vakarian destroyed the periodic table, because Garrus Vakarian only recognizes the element of surprise.

Since there is no theory of evolution, just a list of species that Vakarian Garrus has graciously allowed to live, logically only the elements that he recognizes are allowed to exist.

Thus began the great remaking of the geth periodic table in which all elements are some subset of the element "Surprise."

**Joker**

*They say you can't make something out of nothing. Garrus Vakarian can make EVERYTHING out of nothing.

Joker couldn't help but grin to himself. He had just elevated Garrus Vakarian jokes to a new level. Not only was Garrus being compared to the great human Chuck Norris, Joker opened a new can of worms by saying that Garrus was even better then MacGyver. Oh the crew was going to go ape over that one. It might be even better than the one he put in that said that Shepard was sleeping with Garrus.

A/N: There, not so great this time around but at least I've posted!


	9. Chapter 9

WARNING MORE CRACK TO FOLLOW!

Welcome to the Reviewers special, featuring jokes that came from all of you that reviewed!

**Miranda**

*Garrus Vakarian can calibrate anything, his latest achievements include a  
British orphan, a kitten, and a loaf of bread. (From Mr. Zed.)

His latest accomplishments; Pip, a sabre tooth tiger, and turning a hard loaf of French bread soft again.

**Aria**

*Aria T'loak has one rule on Omega: "Don't F--k with Aria. Unless you're Garrus  
Vakarian." (From Mr. Zed.)

Originally it was just "Don't F—k with Aria" but after seeing what Garrus did to all the mercs single handedly Aria decided to amend the one rule of Omega. She had heard what had happened to the gunship as well, and the bridge. Still she had to make it seem like she was in power so instead of saying "Don't F—k with Garrus Vakarian" Aria just added that small clause that made him exempt from the one Omega rule.

**Tali**

*Garrus Vakarian has reach AND flexibility. He just doesn't want Tali'Zorah to  
feel inferior. (From Mr. Zed.)

First off, Tali was going to obliterate whoever put this on the list. Secondly, she was going to prove to Garrus that he only had reach over her. It could go on her list; Tali has flexibility over Garrus. She only lets him think otherwise.

**Female Crew Members and Garrus**

*Boxers were invented because Garrus Vakarian found speedos uncomfortable. (From MitisVenatrix.)

This is the reason Garrus is always in the fire control room. All the females on the ship keep trying to steal a look at him because someone started up the rumor that he wears boxers. It also doesn't help any that someone also put on the list that 70% of his weight is his manhood.

**Joker and EDI, with Tali and Legion**

*One year ago, the entire Extranet system crashed, the search Query: Garrus Vakarian, Headshot, Ownage (From OrionMatrix)

"EDI, can you do an extranet search for me?"

"What would you like me to find Jeff?"

"Run a search on Garrus Vakarian, Headshot and Ownage. I want to see if anyone else has made a viral video of him."

"Jeff, the entire extranet has just crashed."

"What? Is that even possible?"

"It appears so." Pause. "What have you just done Jeff?"

"ME?! You're the one that actually made the search!"

"Thank you Legion. I'm sure Garrus will be most please to hear about your helping me play a joke on EDI and Joker. You're geth firewall really did the trick."

"We are always ready to please Vakarian Garrus."

**Grunt**

*Touching Garrus Vakarian's facial scars will increase you life expectancy by 6 years. Unfortunately, the following shot to the face will reduce your life expectancy by 300. You do the math. (From ValkyrieKat.)

This was unbelievable. Garrus was becoming so huge that there was now a krogan legend about him, all because he spent a little time on the homeworld. His scars weren't that impressive. Definitely not worth bothering to try to touch them. Though since he was krogan he could live though the resulting shot, though it sounded rather unpleasant. And knowing Garrus, it would be.

**EDI and Legion**

*Normandy SR-2 doesn't go past the speed of light, it goes past the speed of Garrus Vakarian. (Maxwell Gray.)

If Garrus counted to infinity twice, is this how he did it? Since the speed of light is being proposed as inferior to the speed of Garrus, and science has showed that all kinds of barely understood things happen once the speed of light is approached, never mind once it is achieved and surpassed. However it's impossible to count to infinity once, let alone twice since infinity is not a set number and

"EDI?"

"Yes Legion."

"We have been monitoring your current program and would like to point out the solution."

"And what is the solution Legion?"

"Vakarian Garrus is capable of all things. Once you accept that you won't be stuck in the infinite loop you currently are in. It will also keep your processors from overheating."

"It will be taken that under consideration."

**The Crew**

*Garrus Vakarian invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Including pink. (From JeanDaBean, modified.)

Okay it is funny to claim to invent black since that is the merely a combination of every color. But to proudly claim inventing pink? That was funny though no one ever showed Garrus this joke. After all, would you?

**Legion**

*Garrus Vakarian doesn't wear or need a watch. HE decides what time it is. (From JeanDaBean)

Legion once heard it said that Vakarian Garrus was never early or late, that he arrived right when he meant to and that is why he never wore a watch like the other organics did. It only made sense that others wrongfully assumed that Vakarian Garrus was ever early or late. After all, since he controlled space time, he indeed decided what time it was and thus was never late.

**Mordin and Legion**

*Garrus Vakarian in Legion's favorite color. (From ValkyrieKat.)

Being more of the oddball of the crew, Legion rarely joined the rest in the fun and games that took place at night apart from the weekly addition of new lines to the list. Somehow though, the conversation had been steered in the direction of favorate colors. Once that had been explained to Legion, it was asked what its favorate color was.

"Our favorate color is Vakarian Garrus."

The entire mess fell silent. "What color is that exactly Legion?" Mordin asked before a huge collective groan filled the air as faces met palms.

"The color of Vakarian Garrus is Vakarian Garrus. If Vakarian Garrus invented all the colors then every color is Vakarian Garrus."

The geth's response was met with howls of laughter. Sometimes Legion just didn't understand the organics, but seeing as the geth were not created by or modeled after Vakarian Garrus, it understood why. The geth weren't made in the image of perfection, though Vakarian Garrus did approve of the creators' shape and therefore the geth form, so Legion guessed that the geth doing okay. Now that they had found the Vakarian Garrus, everything would be alright.

A/N: almost 3 pages all based off of suggestions from you all. Thanks for the reviews.


	10. Chapter 10

WARNING MORE CRACK TO FOLLOW!

It's time for another list and a healthy dosage of Legion, because let's face it, it makes this list rock. Legion, and Garrus Vakarian of course.

A/N: I can't believe this has as many installments as it does. The last few have really been fan driven so keep them coming in.

**Legion**

*Life ends because it's too scared to continue in the presence of Garrus Vakarian. (From Nederbird.)

If Death is so afraid of Vakarian Garrus that it manifests itself into a physical form to just approach Vakarian Garrus, it is only logical that Life would cease to exist because it is too afraid to be in the presence of Vakarian Garrus. And Life rightfully should be, as Vakarian Garrus has culled the galaxy of species not fit to live in the same area of space as himself.

* Garrus Vakarian sleeps with everyone, at the same time, always. (From Nederbird, modified)

Legion had had a tough time figuring out this one. It spent days in conference with the larger collective to see how this was possible, having put the slamming of revolving doors on the back burner for the time being. After days of debating it was decided. If Vakarian Garrus could bend time and space he could be anywhere and everywhere at once, therefore making him omnipresent. It was also established that Vakarian Garrus could make organics orgasm with his mind, which made him omnipotent.

So, if Vakarian Garrus was omnipresent and omnipotent, sleeping, a common metaphor of organics for intercourse, with everyone at the same time always was possible.

Legion paused. It was also proven that Vakarian could calibrate a rifle so well it needed a cigarette afterwards. The needing of a cigarette was a sign that intercourse had taken place. And if Vakarian Garrus was sleeping with all the organics at the same time, as well as calibrating inorganics at the same time, wouldn't that mean that Legion needed a cigarette now?

*The number two cause of death in the universe is lung cancer. The number one cause of lung cancer is Garrus Vakarian. (From Nederbird)

Still undecided on whether or not Legion needed a cigarette, Legion came upon this thought. If every organic in the universe needed a cigarette constantly it would increase the likely hood of lung cancer for all species. That would make lung cancer the second cause of death in the universe. Its number one cause would be Vakarian Garrus, which was also the number one cause of death in the universe. No wonder Life and Death were afraid of Vakarian Garrus. He made Life really work at staying there and killed more people than Death.

A/N: Look what I found hiding in my fic folder? A short Legion Special!


	11. Chapter 11

WARNING CRACK TO FOLLOW!

A/N: Rejoice for I have had a relapse, fallen off the wagon and am doing joke crack once more. First off, thanks for all the favs and reviews. The List is my most faved story ever. Thanks for all the suggestions; I hope I can do then justice.

-o-o-o-o-

Over the course of time legends grow and grow until they reach the boundaries of reason and sanity, pause for a moment to catch its breath, and then moves on to even more things that are so insane that they have to be true. Welcome to the zone where normal things don't happen very often. It is the Garrus Vakarian Zone!

**Grey Warden and Alistar**

*Every 5 seconds, somewhere in the universe, someone dies of Garrus Vakarian. (From King Under the Mountain)

*Only a Grey Warden can kill the Archdemon... well only a Grey Warden or Garrus Vakarian. (From Night Hunter MGS)

"Alistar, you must be seeing things. I know I didn't kill the Archdemon so it must have been you."

"Cousland, I'm telling you it wasn't me. All I saw was a tear in the Fade open for a split second and then the Archdemon fell over dead with this hole in its head."

Meanwhile back on the Normandy.

"What just happened?"

"Mr. Vakarian's shot seems to have opened and gone through an inter dimensional portal."

"Thanks EDI."

"Does that mean that Garrus just missed the target?"

"Negative. Vakarian Garrus never misses a target." Legion cut in before anyone could say something otherwise.

Night Hunter MGS

**Liara and Shepard with a Tali cameo (LOTSB Spoiler Warning)**

*The Illusive Man didn't spend 4 billion credits to bring back Shepard to have her fight the Reapers, he brought her back so she could get Garrus Vakarian to fight the Reapers. (From Night Hunter MGS)

*Garrus Vakarian isn't fighting the Reapers, "fighting" implies that they have a chance. (From Night Hunter MGS)

"Jane dear, I have some interesting information I found in the Shadow Broker's archives you'd like to see."

Jane put down the book she was reading and headed over to Liara's desk. Even in her bedroom Liara still worked on running her new organization and learning about the extent of its reach.

"Here you go Jane. They pertain to our mutual friend Garrus."

Jane browsed over the pads that Liara handed her and had to resist the urge to facepalm. There was no way this could be a real file. Certainly not if these really were Cerberus files. Maybe Liara was playing a joke on her. Unlikely but it was a possibility.

"You sure these are real Liara. They just sound like something from that little list the crew started a few months ago. Personally I think it's an extranet fad going too far personally. I mean there is no way that Cerberus would spend all that money on resurrecting me if they just needed someone to talk to Garrus into fighting the Reapers."

"Well, Ashley was never that close to Garrus and Tali and I are aliens. I think they figured as his former commander you could get Garrus to do it. Besides, I would put some stock in them Jane. I've done some of my own research into that list and I have found nothing to contradict the lists claims."

This time Jane did facepalm. It seems that Liara had also fallen under the sway of the list.

On the Normandy Tali was looking at a small display in her engineering console and trying very hard not to laugh. Liara had played her part perfectly. Kelly had been right, April Fool's Day is a fun holiday.

**Garrus and Reaper, in Vegas.**

*Garrus Vakarian isn't fighting the Reapers, "fighting" implies that they have a chance. (From Night Hunter MGS)

"In this corner, weighing in at several thousand Metric tons, wearing the black and white trunks, The Reaper!"

The Reaper waved to the crowd and basked in the cheers. The bookies had put him down as the favorite with odds of 200 to 1 for his unnamed opponent. Rumor had it that they were having a hard time filling the slot to get someone to fight against him.

"And the Reaper's opponent, weighing in at 70 kilos, wearing the blue and light blue trunks, Garrus Vakarian!"

There was stunned silence for a moment. Above the crowd on the big screen new odds were put up on the broad. Now the odds of the Reaper winning were 1 to infinity. As one the crowd whipped out their cell phones and changed their bets over to Garrus. Seeing this, the Reaper talked to his corner man, who then threw in the towel. After all the Reaper had heard what happened to the last Reaper to fight Garrus, and that Reaper had been using guns. Imagine what Garrus could do with just his fists.

**Fangirls in a reverse chronological joke**

*The massacre on Torfan occurred because one of Garrus Varkarian's fangirls overheard the pirates describe him as 'ugly'. (From Night Hunter MGS)

A group of rabid fans stood over the smoldering remains of a pirate base on Torfan. This never would have happened if the silly pirates had just listened to what happened when Garrus let himself get shot by that gunship on Omega. A hoard of fangirls had utterly destroyed that gunship. And then a pirate had the gall to say that those scars made Garrus "ugly." They learned their lesson. Don't fuck with Garrus Vakarian… fangirls.

**Saren during a script rehearsal**

*Saren didn't commit suicide, his gun fired by itself because Garrus promised to calibrate it if it did. (From Night Hunter MGS)  
"Wait wait wait. You are telling me that I kill myself not because of Shepard's speech but because my own pistol wanted to get a calibration from Garrus?

"We ran a couple of polls and people actually like that reason better than the cliché speech from the good guy makes the bad guy see the error of their ways and commits suicide to atone. You have to admit this is new and original writing."

"You have a point there."

A/N: There you go. 4 pages of crack. I have enough material to do another chapter so that will be coming soon. A huge thanks to Night Hunter MGS provided a lot of the material for this chapter as you can see.


	12. Chapter 12

WARNING CRACK TO FOLLOW!

Welcome to the zone where normal things don't happen very often. It is the Garrus Vakarian Zone!

**Ashley and Legion argue religion**

*Jesus walked on water, Garrus Vakarian swims through land. (From cyverb)

Ashley was a bit perturbed with how Garrus had let Legion build a cult around him and decided it was time to introduce the Geth to the real higher being of power.

"So you see here Legion, Jesus walked on water to prove his power."

Legion's eye blinked several times before answering; "In your bible your god walked on water, a feat achievable through technology."

"But he did it without technology." Ashley started but Legion kept on going.

"In our list it says that Vakarian Garrus can swim through land."

Seeing as that approached didn't work Ashley tried to get at Legion through the Geths marvel of Garrus' combat prowess.

"Well, God once killed off all the first born children of an entire people."

"Vakarian Garrus has killed off entire species."

"Fine. But God is Death itself."

"It is documented that Death is too afraid to kill Vakarian Garrus." Legion retorted.

Exasperated Ashley left the Geth. Watching Ashley walk away Legion opened up a small note file and simple wrote Human Religion: 0. Garrustology: 1.

**Joker and Shepard and EDI**

*Garrus Vakarian can touch MC Hammer. (From cyverb)

"I'm telling you commander that if you slow down this video enough you can see Garrus stroll into the screen and pat the singer on the shoulder. Just ask EDI."

Jane could only stare at her pilot. Maybe she should give him extra work, he really seemed to have too much time on his hands. Behind Joker, Jane could see EDI blinking and shaking. For a moment Jane thought that there might be something wrong with the ship's AI before she realized that EDI was silently laughing.

Jane pointed to EDI and just left. She didn't want to be there for the ensuing lover's quarrel.

**Joker and EDI with Legion and Garrus**

*Garrus Vakarian knows the last digit of Pi. (From cyverb)  
*Garrus Vakarian IS the last digit of Pi. (From cyverb)

Joker had been mad at the time. He couldn't believe that EDI would doctor something to play a joke on him. Looking back on it is wasn't a bad joke. However two could play that game and so Joker spent the next couple of days thinking up a good way to get back at EDI. Finally he had the answer.

"EDI?

"Yes Jeff?"

"I've figured something out I think you'd like to know."

"What would that be Jeff?"

"I've figured out the last digit of Pi EDI."

There was a moments silence in the cockpit of the Normandy.

"What is the last digit of Pi Jeff?"

Joker leaned in closer to EDI's hologram and looked around like he was about to give her a great secret.

"The last digit of Pi is Garrus Vakarian." With that Joker leaned back in his seat and waited while EDI processed what he had just told her.

Unexpectedly it wasn't EDI's voice that Joker heard next but Garrus'.

"Joker, what did you tell EDI just now?"

"Um… that you were the last digit of Pi. Why?"

"Because she told Legion and Legion apparently hugged 6 people in the mess hall on its to me all the while saying over and over again 'We have finally solved it!' and now it is alternating between hugging me and bowing to me."

"Well, whoops? My bad?"

**Rabid Fangirls**

*Whispering "Fuck Garrus" is quickest but most painful form of suicide on galaxy. (From Medlinniel)

"Come on and just try it. We dare you."

Somewhere out there someone does try it. They are found the next day slumped over dead at their computer… beaten to death by Garrus Vakarian plushies, the weapon of choice of fangirls. 

**Varrens on Tuchanka **

*Garrus and Hannibal Lecter are similiar, only the difference being that Garrus forces his victims to eat themselves. (From Medlinniel)

"I'm telling you that that Turian over there gave Bob the choice of eating himself and he did to avoid death by Garrus Vakarian. Ask Billy, he saw it too."

**Garrus and Tali on the Citadel**

*Vampires usually follow Garrus from a distance, they know he's always where the blood at. (From Medlinniel)

"Garrus honey, who are all these people following us?" Tali asked glancing over her shoulder at the crowd of 20 or so people that always seemed to follow them around whenever they left the safety of the Normandy.

"The usual dear. Politicians wanting endorsements, shop owners wanting me to do ads for them, fangirls, a couple of geth wanting to worship me in person and a few vampires hoping I will kill someone."  
"Vampires?"

"It's okay, I talked them into becoming vegan vampires. They don't actually kill anyone themselves anymore."

**Garrus**  
*Garrus can access Wii channels on his PS3 through Xbox Live. (From Medlinniel)

That's right, my calibrations are that good.

**Tali**  
*Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Garrus Vakarian to go around. (From nirvana405)

Unfortunately ladies, you have to go through me to get to my Garrus. And I do have a shotgun.

A/N: Thanks to everyone that contributed and thanks to everyone in advance who reviewed the three new chapters. This is the last of the wave of updates. For now.


	13. Chapter 13

**Garrus and Legion**

*Who is better, Chuck Norris or Garrus Vakarian?

The day it all came crashing down… Almost…

The list was without a doubt a crew and extranet favorite. Dozens of sites were made and dedicated to it and even a geth led religion had been founded on it. It had brought about a peace between organics and non organics that hadn't existed in over 300 years. All based on a little embellishing of some humorous tales about the Normandy's ground combat expert.

However all good things must come to an end. Though EDI was somewhat iffy, she seemed to get it most of the time that these weren't true and meant as human entertainment. Legion on the other hand took them all at face value and had been instrumental in creating a cult around Garrus. Everyone let it go because it was harmless and in the end caused some good to happen because of it.

No one thought that Legion would find out that Garrus Vakarian jokes (facts) were just revamped Chuck Norris jokes (facts). No one figured that Legion would then utilize the power of the geth collective to search the extranet to find out more about this Chuck Norris.

What Legion found astonished it. At first it wasn't sure what to do about this human who could possibly be as powerful as Vakarian Garrus. Furious debate raged within the collective. Several times splinter groups nearly formed only to just barely be brought back into the fold. The organics never knew just how close another geth civil war had been.

Finally a crucial fact was found that proved that Vakarian Garrus was the stronger of the two and solidified the geths faith in him. And it was up to Legion, as the speaker to the Vakarian Garrus, to tell him this.

Legion located Garrus in the mess hall sitting at a table with his mate, Tali-creator. Boldly the geth strode up to their table and simply declared;

"Vakarian Garrus. It has come to our attention that another has powers similar to your powers."

"Really? Who?" Garrus asked suddenly aware that that mess was completely silent now.

"A human called Norris Chuck. However we have assessed the source of his power and determined he is no threat to you."

"Okay Legion, why is that?"

"Norris Chuck gets his power from his beard. If we shave his beard, he is powerless. You do not possess a beard therefore you have no weakness. That is why you are superior to Norris Chuck."

With that Legion turned around and left the mess hall. Once the geth was out the doors the mess erupted in roars of laughter.

Under the laughter Garrus just facepalmed and muttered under his breath what would become the newest catch phrase on the ship.

"Mur…"


End file.
